Guest Post : Idiots’ guide to nails


If you thought that this post was about nails that you can hang calendars on, please stop reading right now. You are not high tech enough for us. You can go and join Infosys, perhaps. They do have a vacancy for the CEO post.

The Saturday edition of The Hindu Metroplus carried the rather startling statement that nail polish needs to be matched with the eyeliner that you are wearing. I would not have been surprised if this had been published in the Times of India. TOI is known for making unsubstantiated statements. I will be writing to the Editor of The Hindu not to repeat such mistakes. It is now my job to clarify what to do and not to do with your nails.

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Please pay attention. Put the ‘Do Not Disturb’ status on your doorknob so that nobody bothers you when you read this.

These tips will be useful –

a. If you are doing it yourself, you are cutting your nails. If someone is doing it for a parlor, it is called a manicure (for your finger nails) and pedicure (for your toe nails). Notice the language – If you are doing it, it is a ‘cut’. If someone else does it for you, it is a ‘cure’. No wonder beauty parlors are flourishing.

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b. The beauty parlor assistant will talk about filing, shaping, varnish and coloring as a part of a pedicure/manicure procedure. Even a carpenter can do it. Unfortunately, he doesn’t accept VISA cards.

c. Girls find pedicure/manicure very relaxing. Don’t ask me why. The fastest way to gain your girl’s heart is to offer to cut her nails while she relaxes on the sofa listening to some soothing music. But, for God’s sake, don’t chew her nails. She can do that herself.

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d. Have you ever seen your mother with long nails? Try scrubbing utensils with long nails. No wonder your mother would have kept her nails closely cut. A girl with long nails is likely to be high maintenance. You will not catch her washing clothes or scrubbing vessels. You will have to do that for her. Don’t tell me that I didn’t warn you.

e. It is said that pedicure/manicure was done in ancient China and Egypt civilizations. You know what happened to all those civilizations. If your loved one insists on frequent parlor visits for these services, you could advice her not to and you can claim that fungal infections can happen if the cutting instruments are not sterilized properly. The only risk is that she might go to an even more expensive parlor that uses a disinfectant.

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f. The very first nail polish brand was developed by Cutex sometime in 1914 and this was said to have been inspired by car paint. Have you heard the analogy about how both cars and women are expensive to maintain? You now have additional proof of the same.

g. After a hair cut, a girl unhappy with her look will have to wait for nature (and perhaps Ervamatin) to get back her hair. However, with nail polishes, they can easily change their mind. They have ‘nail polish removers’. Every girl has a few bottles of nail polish and a liter of nail polish remover.

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h. Every nail polish brands talks about color, shine, long lasting, speed of drying and nail protection. They talk about everything except the fact that some of the ingredients are actually carcinogenic.

So, what’s the best nail coloring for you? Marudhaani (Henna) on your hands and feet?

 

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23 thoughts on “Guest Post : Idiots’ guide to nails

  1. when i was kid i used to bite my nails, so to stop the habit mom used to apply nail polish, so i wouldn’t bite.. :P.. guest author actually forgot the whole new thing called nail art. its Rs.20 per nail with stones, flower petals and what not struck to nails.
    http://www.stylecraze.com/articles/8-simple-nail-art-designs/.
    during my college days, there used to be girl who used to flaunt her feet and hands saying she got french manicure and pedicure done for rs.700. one guy got really irritated, he took a handful for sand and put it on her feet. she just cried and went to near by tap in the lawn and washed her feet immediately. that guy promptly said, why did u waste so much of money when you can wash ur feet in college lawn tap. ( just a rough translation, the exact tamil dialogue with the slang made it very funny).

  2. I love nail colors and I do have fairly long nails. And yes, I do the scrubbing, cleaning etc 🙂 It hurts when I lose my nail – not physically but emotionally 😀 😀

  3. I have no clue about all this. I cook and hence never grow my nails and don’t remember the last time I put nail polish. The post was funny :-).

      • I think I am pretty normal. I don’t know which species these women are :D. Oh perhaps, they don’t have a house, kids and responsibilities like I do.

  4. Quite enjoyed this post! Guilty of doing most of the things mentioned here. So true about not being able to get any work done with long nails! I remember even my mum telling me she stopped growing her nails once I was born! Now we go for pedicures and manicures together 😀

  5. I am in extreme distress.Had no idea that I was supposed to match the colour of my eye makeup with my nail paint! I think I’ll come and dump my collection of vivid pinks and orange at your doorstep.

    • @Purba, not at my doorstep, please do so at the Guest Authors’ 😀 You might just end up with my girls developing this fetish for nail colors, art and what not by mistake 😉

  6. Echo Rachna here, I cook, dust and clean so I steer clear of all of these things. Only if there is a function in the family, those bottles come out 😛
    Btw about Cutex, for a long long time my mum and Aunts would use the term Cutex as a synonym for nail polish..i think they still do it.. talk about brand recall 🙂 This is an example similar to Xerox and Cadbury 🙂

    • @Dagny, I still have to meet anybody who has actually had ‘nail art’ done on their nails. I am sure I will also get the hebbie-jeebies when I actually get to see nail art in real life 😀

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